Dancing in the Rain!

As many of you know, I have been attempting to write a letter to Jesus, once a week, since February 2008. Since my surgery, I have been lucky to make time to write a letter once a month, let alone once a week. However, today begins a new commitment to my time with God, as I have delivered my fears and frustrations into His hands and am learning to dance in the rain. Rather than rewrite my letter into a BLOG posting, it is easier, and wiser, to just share my letter with you, as it will answer many of your questions on how I am doing.

Dear Jesus,

What started as a weekly commitment to write a letter to you, has turned into a monthly attempt to get back on track. Fortunately, what has not been written down, into a letter, has been expressed through prayer. Thank you for all that you have done in my life. Thank you for lifting me up when I have fallen.

Today I want to capture my thoughts and then share them on my BLOG. It is a recap of where I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually. All three have been impacted by You. Physically I am coping with my “new normal” which is double vision and confused nerves in my face. You have reminded me, over and over, to be thankful for what I have, my vision, and not to dwell on what I don’t have. Recently, I discovered that my vision is much worse looking down, and I can’t help but wonder if this is your way of reminding me to keep “looking up.” I feel lighter on my feet, these days, although I must admit there is a small cloud hanging over my head, reminding me that this physical journey is not over. I still face the likeliness of eye surgery and the possibility of the tumor growing and causing more complications. Lord, I put my fears, my frustrations, and my physical body into your hands. I trust that my physical journey can be used as a voice to remind me, and others, that you are on this journey with me/us, and you will provide the strength, comfort, and resiliance we need to face all of life with joy.

Emotionally, I am connected to my physical, most of the time. However, recently, I have felt the strength to detach my physical concerns from my emotional state of mind. By separating the two, my emotional high is returning. I feel a renewed energy to embrace life with enthusiasm and excitement. As much as I like slow dancing, there is something special when dancing with joy.

My physical “repair,” as well as my emotional well-being, have centered on my spiritual journey, which, I must say, has been the rock in the course of the storm...it has been my life jacket in the middle of the sea and my parachute during some free falls. During this amazing journey, I was sent a quote that I have adopted, that clearly describes my outlook. “Life isn’t about waiting of the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain!” What a fitting piece of advice for someone, like me, that equates “dancing” with joy and grace from You.
Probably the most significant lesson I have learned, this past year, is how to pray and how to trust. Through this journey, I experienced a flood of Your grace when I finally learned how to lean on You and to trust in You with all my heart, mind and soul. I used to avoid praying, specifically, because it was like “wishing upon a star.” If my prayer/wish did not come true, than I felt let down. Today I can pray, specifically, with confidence, knowing that it will draw me closer to you, through prayer, as I entrust others into your hands. “Specifically,” it lifts the weight of the prayer off my shoulders and into Your care. It focuses my attention on those that need prayer and creates a desire, in my heart, to reach out to those I pray for. Prayer is a universal language, not a magic act. It helps us to celebrate the joys in life and gives us strength through the storms of life. Prayer is a beautiful state of mind, as long as I treat it with respect, with confidence, with consistency and with love. Even when my specific prayers are not answered, in the manner I requested, I have finally learned to trust the answer. I need to trust that life is bigger than I can ever understand...which is why your Word tells me to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5-6.

Thank you for teaching me to trust...thank you for directing my path.

Learning to dance in the rain,

Laura

PS: The Patient's Patient, Bob the Patient, has fully recovered from his 9 day stay in the hospital. We thought he would be coming home on Easter Sunday, but he took a significant turn for the worst and did not come home until Wednesday, April 15th. It was a slow climb out of the pit, but I am happy to report he is back to being Bob the Builder, Bob the Gardener, and Bob the Adored Grandpa. Thank you for all your prayers as we continue to learn to "dance in the rain."

THE PATIENT’S PATIENT

Bob the Builder…Bob the Gardener…Bob the Make Up Artist… is now Bob the Patient. I really don’t know how to put into words how difficult it is to hold the hand of the one you love as he struggles through so much pain and discomfort. Just when we thought things had finally turned a corner, a new trial has exploded in our path. Just last Thursday, April 2nd, I had a wisdom tooth pulled because of a toothache that laughed at my brain tumor. One week later, the pain of my toothache was like a sleeping child compared to the distress Bob the Builder is experiencing. Bob went in for an out-patient, laproscopic hernia repair on Monday, April 6th. There were some complications that added a large incision to the 8 laproscopic incisions and put him in the hospital for a couple days. I brought him home on Wednesday only to have to deliver him back to the ER Wednesday night. As of Friday, he is still in the hospital. I won’t go into the gory details but know that he is in a lot of pain and discomfort.

This year has ignited our faith, challenged our sense of humor, and tested our patience. We have been brought to our knees so many times that Bob’s knees leave white marks on the black rubber floor where we train. I have come to respect my body of which I have taken for granted for so long. I have come to accept my responsibility to care for this uniquely created vessel. I used to measure the worth of my body by what it weighed. Today I embrace it like one embraces a new born baby…tenderly, carefully, and with determination to nourish it wisely. The treadmill has become my friend after spending so many sleepless nights running to nowhere.

Through it all, God has been our portion. He has taught me to trust Him unconditionally. Despite Sean and Brianne’s setback in baseball, He gave me a door to knock on when I needed to take Bob back to the ER in the middle of the night. Recently my growth group studied prayer in the Psalms and create “our own” prayer using the Psalms. Here is my prayer:

Dear Jesus,

I lay here on my bed remembering you. I think of you throughout the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadows of your wings (Ps 63:6-7). In the morning, you hear my voice as I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation (Ps 5:3).

I acknowledge my sin to you, Jesus...I confess my transgressions (Ps 32:5). Forgive my hidden faults. Keep me from willful sin...may they not rule over me. (Ps 19 12-13).

Recently I pleaded with you to heal me, but you reminded me that your grace is sufficient for me. Thank you for teaching me to embrace my weaknesses, hardships and difficulties. (2 Cor 12: 8-10). You turned my wailing into dancing...I will give you thanks forever. (Ps 30:11) When I am overwhelmed and desperate, you alone know which way I ought to turn. (Ps 142: 3)

I pray all my friends and family will trust you all the time. (Ps 62:8) I pray all who know your mercy, will count on you for help (Ps 9:10) as they turn to you, and they pour out their longings to you (Ps 62:8). May your face shine upon all those that do not know you that they may be saved. (Ps 80:7)

Many are the plans in our hearts, but it is Your purpose that prevails (Prov 19:21). Lord, I thank you for the plans you have for my family, for my growth group, and for my friends. (Jer 29:11) I pray we will all seek you with all our hearts (Jer 29:13)

I praise you for not rejecting my prayers or withholding your love from me (Ps 66:20). I trust you will hear me when I call to you. (Ps. 4:3) Teach me your way, O Lord, lead me in a straight path. (Ps 27:11) May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing to you (Ps 19:14)

Jesus, I love you.

Laura

I hope this Easter draws each of you closer to God. Despite anything you may be struggling through, I pray you will know and trust a God that loves you unconditionally. Bob and I have truly been lifted up by your prayers.

Why Jesus?

She was a 38 year old mother of 2, (to a five-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son), when she lost hope, took a gun and shot herself. She died Thursday, February 19th, 2009, and left behind a loving, caring, devastated family. What draws someone to the point of suicide? What robs us of our hope?

In my life, I have known despair. Having grown up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home, where both my parents battled the disease, I was extremely fragile. My first marriage was torn down and shattered into pieces. It was the darkest days of my life. They were darker than when I was molested as a child and darker than when my dad was diagnosed and died from lung cancer. The loss of a relationship can strip us of our self-worth and of our hope.

Why am I exposing myself on a public BLOG? Because, through it all, I have clung to hope. The object of my hope became Jesus when I turned 30. He has been the stronghold in my life, counseled me through many battles, and lifted me up when it appeared the boat was sinking.

1 Danna Demetre said:
“We can’t KNOW HOPE unless we’ve KNOWN DESPAIR
(2Cor1:8b) Paul writes, “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even for life.”
We can’t know TRUE JOY unless we’ve KNOWN SORROW
(Ps 116:3b) Psalmist writes, “I was overcome by trouble & sorrow.”
We can not TRULY FORGIVE unless we’ve EXPERIENCED FORGIVENESS
(Col 3:13) “Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.”
We can not GIVE PURE LOVE until we have KNOWN THE AUTHOR of true love
(1John 4:19) “We love because he first loved us.”

I lost my “voice” for this BLOG, these past several weeks, as I struggled with healing and patience. Yet the Lord is my portion and continues to provide for me through the love that pours out from friends and family. It is through God’s grace that I have found my “voice” to be a light of hope. It has been through God’s grace that I have found my “sight.” Despite my double vision, I am so grateful to be able to see.

The song, Because You Loved Me, was not written for Jesus. However, it has become my theme song to Jesus. On May 7, 2000, as I spoke to a group of high school students, and their moms, this song became my prayer. As I listen to the words, I am always reminded of the many times God has held me up:

Dear Jesus,
For all those times You stood by me
For all the truth that You made me see
For all the joy You brought to my life
For all the wrong that You made right
For every dream You made come true
For all the love I’ve found in You
I’ll be forever thankful.

You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall.
You’re the one that saw me through it all.

Jesus, You are my strength when I am weak. (2 Cor 12: 8-10)
You are my voice when I can not speak.
You are my eyes when I can not see.
You see the best there is in me.
You lifted me up when I couldn’t reach.
You gave me faith cause You believed.

I’m everything I am, Because You love me.


1You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, You gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I “have” Your love I “have” it all
I’m grateful for each day You “give” me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I “am” blessed because I “am” loved by You

You “are” always there for me
The tender wind that “carries” me
A light in the dark shining Your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies You “are” the truth
My world is a better place because of You

Amen

Yes, the Lord has got my attention…I pray he has also gotten your attention. I am finding a renewed attitude in many areas of my life. Recently, I embraced my vision with gladness and thankfulness that I can see at all. "Seeing" was hidden behind my self-pity. By embracing my sight, I can "see" the Lord more clearly now. I feel like the passion and fire I felt, prior to the surgery, is coming back; God's purpose for my life is beginning to emerge again!

It is definitely a new dance. I know many of you are still on the dance floor. What a joy it is to lock arms with each of you.

Love,

Laura

ALL THE WORLD

As I play the song, “All The World” by Point of Grace, over and over again (full blast), I am reminded of all the times I spent on the tread mill, all the times I was filled with grace, all the times I was given strength, hope, peace, trust and joy through this journey. I have also come to realize the journey is not over…in fact, it has just begun. This song has encouraged me to be a voice, to give an answer, to shine God’s light for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE. What a privilege He gives each one of us to be a voice. As I struggled with patience, the past couple weeks, the Lord truly brought me back into focus. He reminded me that believing in Him does not guarantee freedom from pain or loss, but it does guarantee strength in my time of weakness, pain, or sorrow. It is my hope to be a “page,” for all the world, as I assemble my journey into a book. Months before I was told I had a tumor, I began writing, not realizing that this was how the Lord was preparing me for this journey. In the summer of 2008, with a small group of close friends, I confided that I felt the Lord calling me to write a book and possibly speak publicly. Today, looking back at all that has been written, all that I have learned, and looking forward to what will still be written, I am filled with joy and a purpose knowing the Lord wants me to shine His light for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE. (For all you BLOGGERS, it would make me so happy if someone knew how to put this song on my playlist, even though it is not listed in the choice of BLOG songs.)

I must share the many blessings that have poured out on me these past couple weeks. Shortly after my last post, Dave and Miriam Keesey set out to try to expedite my visit to the ophthalmologist. Dave works for Kaiser and happens to know, personally, the head of the ophthalmology department. Just 3 days after my post, I got a call from Kaiser, on January 5th, wanting to know if I could come in that same day, rather than wait until January 27th. Over the next few weeks I am getting prescription glasses, (one pair for distance and another for close up) that will be fitted with a prism. Hopefully these glasses will work better for me than my first prism glasses. In the meantime, I have devised a way to see, single vision, by putting a small piece of tape on one lens of my sunglasses. I CAN ACTUALLY DRIVE SAFELY while wearing my sunglasses. This has been a giant step forward in learning how to adapt as well as learning how to accept there are no guarantees I will regain normal vision.

The pain in my tailbone is gone. Ice and patience are beautiful things! I no longer ice to reduce the pain, I just ice as a preventative measure. For the past 3 days I have been pain free! Also, I am finally able to open my mouth wide enough to get my teeth fixed, and I am back with my Fit Together group, at work, to help encourage me to eat well and exercise often. Speaking of work, my last day of disability is Friday, January 16th, then it is off to work I go. Ready or not, here I come!!!

I owe my new patience and attitude to II Cor 12: 8-9, as I realize life is not always easy and may not always go the way I want. This verse has been a lifeline to me as it has truly given me strength in my weakness. The lesson I learned from this verse is to endure my pain, loss, frustration, anger or impatience by trusting in the Lord. When things don’t turn out, just as I hoped or prayed for, like my double vision, I will find a way to accept the circumstances and draw hope from all of God’s promises to me. No matter what the trial, God’s grace is sufficient and will provide all the strength I need to endure, and He will give me an open heart to adapt.

I am no longer slow dancing in La Mesa. I have picked up the pace and plan to stay on the dance floor for a very long time. It is my hope and prayer that you will join me and dance, long into the future, as we dance our way into eternity!

Love,

Laura

A PATIENT PATIENT

So many of you have called or e-mailed to see how I am doing. In the past I would have put on my “mask” and replied, “I am fine.” However, through so many lessons, these past several months, I must now confess I still need your prayers. Here is why…

Definitions:
Patient-willing to put up with waiting, pain, or anything that annoys, troubles or hurts. Enduring, calmly, without complaining or losing self control. Persevering, steady effort.
Patient-a person who is being treated by a doctor.

I get an A for being a patient-a person who is being treated by a doctor. However, I get an F+ for being patient. I got my staples out on Tuesday, Dec 29th. It went better than expected and despite some soreness/numbness in my left eye and cheek, my recovery from this surgery has been moving along quite well.

What I didn’t expect is to have some dental issues that I can not tend to, for several weeks, until I can actually open my mouth wider. I need to be patient until the chewing muscle, which was cut during surgery, heals. Consequently, if anything cold sloshes over to the left side of my mouth, I must brace myself for that lovely shooting pain from a very sensitive tooth.

Did I mention my annoyance at the extra 10 pounds I gained from my steroid trauma? Of course, due to my lack of patience, I expect and want this weight to be gone NOW. Unfortunately, I can not go back to weight training or aerobic exercise for several more weeks. Considering it has only been 2 weeks since I had major surgery…I need to be patient! In due time I will have plenty opportunity to lose the weight…

My ophthalmologist appointment is not until the end of January, so I must continue to endure my double vision. However, there has been some improvement as I have discovered a way to block out the double vision by putting a piece of tape on my glasses and sunglasses. Being the patient person I am, I will be calling, every other day, in hopes that the ophthalmologist might have a cancelation between now and the 27th.

Recently, I started to experience a sore tailbone (also known as a “pain in the butt”). I can only attribute this problem to having slept sitting up, for the first several days after surgery, putting pressure on my tailbone. Unfortunately, the pain has continued to get worse and went from intermittent to chronic. I finally e-mailed my doctor, today, to find out how I might “survive” this newest annoyance which is also testing my failed patience.

Yesterday, during one of my many “complaining” moments, unable to endure, I turned to the Lord and cried out for Him to take away the pain (yes, the one in my butt!). He turned me to II Corinthians 12: 8-9. This is where Paul writes, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I (Paul and Laura) will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I have gained a new appreciation for Paul and for those of you who have had to endure chronic pain, chronic illnesses, or painful treatments such as chemo-therapy. My “job” is to learn how to wait, trust, and rejoice in all that I am learning from this experience. As I read back through my BLOG, I am reminded of my own counsel: James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Having written this new post, I am already feeling stronger and more prepared for what lies ahead. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable. A friend recently pointed out that I am a patient person, with others, just not with myself. I know your prayers have lifted me up, for several months, and will continue to lift me up as I try not to be the over-achieving, impatient, patient that I currently am.

Slow-dancing in La Mesa! Happy New Year!

Love,

Laura