SINGLE VISION

Thursday morning, April 22, the patch came off, and I looked at the picture on the wall. For the first time, in 18 months, there was only one picture on the wall. Most of my vision has been restored to single vision. It is still very weird. As I wear my prescription glasses, I have to remind myself that the prism, that corrected the double vision, is gone. What I see is what I really see. I still see double when looking down, like reading a book, but that is easily corrected by lifting the book up or tilting my head down. The same when looking at the computer. I know I can adapt to this, as I have adapted to it for the past 18 months.

I did have a bit of a melt down Thursday night. As I was watching TV, my eyes just split into double vision for no reason. I could consciously pull them back, but it kept happening. I was so scared, I just lost it. I feel better today, Friday, after my doctor appointment. He feels everything is OK. He suggests we just need to wait and see how my eyes heal and my brain adjusts before worrying about it. For now, I will not be doing much/any driving until I am certain I can control the double vision. Yes, I am a bit stressed, but I am kind of relieved that the doctor is not worried.

Thank you ALL for your prayers and your kind thoughts. Here is my prayer back to each of you…

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

I also pray this prayer, daily, for you (Yes, this one comes up as a pop up reminder!)…

God, bless all my friends, family (and me) in whatever it is that You know we may be needing this day! Open our ears, our eyes, and, most importantly, our hearts to you. May our lives be full of Your grace, peace, prosperity and power as we seek to have a closer relationship with You. I pray the Holy Spirit will empower us to resist temptation and replace temptation with a desire to reach out to others in kindness and love. Use us, Lord, as the servants that we are. Help us to recognize when You open doors for us, we might faithfully walk through.

God, thank you for the miracles of modern medicine and for restoring my vision. Amen.

With love,

Laura

Flashlight of Hope

In October 2008, it appeared my life path was coming to an end. Instead, the Lord handed me a bright, powerful, fully-charged flashlight (with steroid induced batteries) that, when pointed on Him, reflected a blanket of light down on me through hundreds of friends, family and strangers who walked with me on my journey. The light made the uncertain road an adventure filled with curves, valleys, mountain top experiences and a few melt downs as the batteries lost their charge. It is a chapter in my life I hope never to lose on a shelf. Wednesday, April 21, 2010, is the final preparation to the start of a new chapter in my book. As I tried to come to terms with the realization that the surgery will only partially correct my double vision, the Lord focused my flashlight on Nash, a little, 3-year-old boy (the son of a friend of mine) who was recently diagnosed with a tumor in his eye. The eye was removed, and there is still uncertainty whether the other eye will develop the same, rare, genetic mutation. Within a few days after his surgery, Nash was out running and playing, unfazed by the loss of his eye. My flashlight was, once again, re-charged and lifted up as the Lord continues to remind me that despite the mountains I have climbed, there is someone else with a much steeper mountain to climb. It is by Grace that we reach the top of each mountain set before us. It is by Grace that we learn how to live within our limitations, disappointments, pain and loss. It is by Grace that our flashlights are charged and we see the world in a whole new light.

Although my single vision will not be restored, completely, we hope for significant improvement to my forward vision. On Thursday morning, at 8 AM, the bandage will be removed from my right eye, and, depending on the outcome of the surgery, the doctor can make an adjustment to the slip-knot of a stitch in an attempt to fine-tune my vision. It is not a perfect science.

Thank you for praying for the success of this surgery. More importantly, thank you for praying for an opportunity to use my flashlight as an encouragement to others.

Bill Walker's Walk of Hope

For those of you that know me, I often pour out my thoughts on paper. Today is no exception. I want to share with you a moment in time that was a powerful testament of God’s love and how He works in our lives. I know it is a bit lengthy, sorry…but the story needs to be told.

WHAT CANCER CAN NOT DO…IN MEMORY OF BILL WALKER

It cannot…

Invade the soul,

Suppress memories,

Kill friendship,

Destroy peace,

Conquer the spirit

Shatter hope

Cripple love

Corrode faith

Steal eternal life

Silence courage.

Several months ago, Bill Walker hugged me and called me his “angel.” Others, close to Bill, echoed the same sentiment. I was flattered, but never felt worthy of the complement. Today, I still do not feel worthy to be called an angel, but I am eternally grateful that these words opened my eyes to God’s call to minister to Bill and his family. Sunday morning, the day after Bill was called into his eternal home, the Lord spoke to me clearly and unequivocally, reminding me that He was in control and that I was merely His messenger.

Let me start at the beginning. I was given several opportunities to share God’s love with Bill and Peggy. Visiting with them was very special, but each time I left, I felt my words were inadequate. I felt I could have said more, done more, shared more. I would often follow up with an e-mail, as it has been much easier for me to write out my thoughts than to speak them. I never wanted to intrude in their lives, but one night I told Cindy that I needed time alone with Bill, because I desperately wanted to know where he was in his faith. The opportunity presented itself quickly, and joyfully, with Peggy, Cindy, Keith, Bob, Bill and I joined together in a conversation about faith. Bill confessed that although he was never much of a church goer, he did have faith. Before I left that night, I found myself standing “alone” with Bill, in a room full of family. I put my arm around him, and he put his arm around me, we hugged and I prayed for him, just the two of us. That night the door was opened and Jesus’ love was poured out. Yet, I still left feeling I should have said more.

There were several other opportunities given to me to share God’s love with Bill and Peggy. On Friday evening, Cindy called me to let me know that her Dad was not doing well. I hesitated to ask if Bob and I could come over, but by the end of the conversation there was no need to ask. When we got to the house, we joined a room full of family. Bill was awake but not overly responsive. Bob sat with him for a short time, until I moved into his place. I opened my Bible and read John 14:1-4, where Jesus said to his disciples, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” I told Bill I wanted him to save me a room next to his. He said he wanted one with a view. We laughed. In Cindy’s words, “Laura and Daddy have had some good talks and she's prayed for him. When she walked into the room Friday...he lifted his arms high up to her and embraced her like he hadn't to ANY of the other family who were there. We've always known they had a special relationship and thought of her as a daughter....BUT....I have to tell you, that he wasn't only hugging Laura....he was hugging God because she didn't stand alone that day. HE walked into the room with her. She prayed in a circle with all of us, and it wasn't long after that that Daddy slipped into a coma and just didn't wake up.”

I really do not know what I said when I prayed that night. When Bob and I got home, I was unsettled. Throughout the night, I kept waking up and thinking, "I should have said..., I should have said..." In the morning, I prayed for another chance to pray with Bill and the family.

It is so important, to stop here and point out the significance of God’s timing. Shortly after we gathered around Bill Friday night, held hands, and prayed, Bill fell asleep. Because I was celebrating Jamie’s birthday from 9 AM to around 2 PM, Saturday, I wasn’t able to check in until that afternoon. I called Eileen and offered to bring everyone Starbucks. She was obviously pleased. They had been up all night. In Cindy’s words, “Bob and Laura had been told that Daddy was in a coma, but Laura still needed to see him. They'd been in the room about 10 minutes or so and I swear he heard her. When she was talking and laughing with Mom, over ‘dad’ stories, Eileen called me to look at Daddy. He'd opened his eyes...wasn't focused or ‘there,’ but they had opened up and he drew his last breaths. I believe he held on until Laura and Christ walked into the room. Then it was okay for him to go. I've never seen anything like it, and I probably never will again. The power and peace at that moment was so moving. Laura held his arm, as we all held onto a part of Daddy, and he let go.”

Yes, I touched Bill's arm, closed my eyes, and thanked God for this second chance. I prayed for the Lord to open the door to the room he had prepared for Bill. As I prayed, Bill took his last breath. It is hard to explain, but there was a connection between my fingers and the crook of Bill’s arm. It felt like our veins were connected as the blood flowed between the two of us. Even after his last breath, I felt this flow. I was in awe of this very intense, but joy-filled second-chance to be with Bill, to pray over Bill, and to experience the Lord carry him home. I have no doubt that the Lord was in that room, and I have not doubt that Bill is with our Lord Jesus.

Sunday morning, as I sat in church, filled with the sadness of our loss, I picked up the bulletin and read the following quote. “God already knows anything we could ever say. Therefore, prayer is primarily about communion, not communication,” by Ben Patterson. God’s timing is perfect. I am now at peace with the words spoken Friday night. It was not about the words…it was not about me. I really don't need to know what I said. It is about trusting in a God that loves us. It is about being open to Jesus’ call. It is about allowing God’s grace to flow in us and through us.

On February 3^rd, I shared the following song with Bill and Peggy. The words are below. You can hear it at http://www.onlylyrics.com/hits.php?grid=8&id=1038844 . Bill Walker is with our God. He is at peace. He is without pain.

THERE IS A GOD

Try and put your arms around
the 100 year old tree
Climb up on a horse
and let it run full speed
Take a look down at the world from 30,000 feet
on your next flight

Watch a flock of birds
against the morning sun
Close your eyes and listen
to the river run
Catch a firefly in your hand
or a raindrop on your tongue
That's right

Chorus:
There is a God
There is a God
There is a God
How much proof do you need?

Plant a seed and see
what comes out of the ground
Find the heartbeat on your baby's ultrasound
In a few years hear it laughing,
and don't it sound like a song?

Stop and think about
what you don't understand
Things like life and love
and how the world began
Hear the doctor say he can't explain it,
but the cancer is gone

Chorus:
There is a God
There is a God
There is a God
How much proof do you need?

Bridge:
Science says it's all just circumstance
Like this whole worlds just an accident
But if you want to shoot that theory down,
Look around

Just look around

There is a God
There is a God
There is a God,
How much proof do you need?

Oh there is a God
There is a God
There is a God
How much proof do you need?

In His Grip,

Laura

Dancing in the Rain!

As many of you know, I have been attempting to write a letter to Jesus, once a week, since February 2008. Since my surgery, I have been lucky to make time to write a letter once a month, let alone once a week. However, today begins a new commitment to my time with God, as I have delivered my fears and frustrations into His hands and am learning to dance in the rain. Rather than rewrite my letter into a BLOG posting, it is easier, and wiser, to just share my letter with you, as it will answer many of your questions on how I am doing.

Dear Jesus,

What started as a weekly commitment to write a letter to you, has turned into a monthly attempt to get back on track. Fortunately, what has not been written down, into a letter, has been expressed through prayer. Thank you for all that you have done in my life. Thank you for lifting me up when I have fallen.

Today I want to capture my thoughts and then share them on my BLOG. It is a recap of where I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually. All three have been impacted by You. Physically I am coping with my “new normal” which is double vision and confused nerves in my face. You have reminded me, over and over, to be thankful for what I have, my vision, and not to dwell on what I don’t have. Recently, I discovered that my vision is much worse looking down, and I can’t help but wonder if this is your way of reminding me to keep “looking up.” I feel lighter on my feet, these days, although I must admit there is a small cloud hanging over my head, reminding me that this physical journey is not over. I still face the likeliness of eye surgery and the possibility of the tumor growing and causing more complications. Lord, I put my fears, my frustrations, and my physical body into your hands. I trust that my physical journey can be used as a voice to remind me, and others, that you are on this journey with me/us, and you will provide the strength, comfort, and resiliance we need to face all of life with joy.

Emotionally, I am connected to my physical, most of the time. However, recently, I have felt the strength to detach my physical concerns from my emotional state of mind. By separating the two, my emotional high is returning. I feel a renewed energy to embrace life with enthusiasm and excitement. As much as I like slow dancing, there is something special when dancing with joy.

My physical “repair,” as well as my emotional well-being, have centered on my spiritual journey, which, I must say, has been the rock in the course of the storm...it has been my life jacket in the middle of the sea and my parachute during some free falls. During this amazing journey, I was sent a quote that I have adopted, that clearly describes my outlook. “Life isn’t about waiting of the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain!” What a fitting piece of advice for someone, like me, that equates “dancing” with joy and grace from You.
Probably the most significant lesson I have learned, this past year, is how to pray and how to trust. Through this journey, I experienced a flood of Your grace when I finally learned how to lean on You and to trust in You with all my heart, mind and soul. I used to avoid praying, specifically, because it was like “wishing upon a star.” If my prayer/wish did not come true, than I felt let down. Today I can pray, specifically, with confidence, knowing that it will draw me closer to you, through prayer, as I entrust others into your hands. “Specifically,” it lifts the weight of the prayer off my shoulders and into Your care. It focuses my attention on those that need prayer and creates a desire, in my heart, to reach out to those I pray for. Prayer is a universal language, not a magic act. It helps us to celebrate the joys in life and gives us strength through the storms of life. Prayer is a beautiful state of mind, as long as I treat it with respect, with confidence, with consistency and with love. Even when my specific prayers are not answered, in the manner I requested, I have finally learned to trust the answer. I need to trust that life is bigger than I can ever understand...which is why your Word tells me to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5-6.

Thank you for teaching me to trust...thank you for directing my path.

Learning to dance in the rain,

Laura

PS: The Patient's Patient, Bob the Patient, has fully recovered from his 9 day stay in the hospital. We thought he would be coming home on Easter Sunday, but he took a significant turn for the worst and did not come home until Wednesday, April 15th. It was a slow climb out of the pit, but I am happy to report he is back to being Bob the Builder, Bob the Gardener, and Bob the Adored Grandpa. Thank you for all your prayers as we continue to learn to "dance in the rain."

THE PATIENT’S PATIENT

Bob the Builder…Bob the Gardener…Bob the Make Up Artist… is now Bob the Patient. I really don’t know how to put into words how difficult it is to hold the hand of the one you love as he struggles through so much pain and discomfort. Just when we thought things had finally turned a corner, a new trial has exploded in our path. Just last Thursday, April 2nd, I had a wisdom tooth pulled because of a toothache that laughed at my brain tumor. One week later, the pain of my toothache was like a sleeping child compared to the distress Bob the Builder is experiencing. Bob went in for an out-patient, laproscopic hernia repair on Monday, April 6th. There were some complications that added a large incision to the 8 laproscopic incisions and put him in the hospital for a couple days. I brought him home on Wednesday only to have to deliver him back to the ER Wednesday night. As of Friday, he is still in the hospital. I won’t go into the gory details but know that he is in a lot of pain and discomfort.

This year has ignited our faith, challenged our sense of humor, and tested our patience. We have been brought to our knees so many times that Bob’s knees leave white marks on the black rubber floor where we train. I have come to respect my body of which I have taken for granted for so long. I have come to accept my responsibility to care for this uniquely created vessel. I used to measure the worth of my body by what it weighed. Today I embrace it like one embraces a new born baby…tenderly, carefully, and with determination to nourish it wisely. The treadmill has become my friend after spending so many sleepless nights running to nowhere.

Through it all, God has been our portion. He has taught me to trust Him unconditionally. Despite Sean and Brianne’s setback in baseball, He gave me a door to knock on when I needed to take Bob back to the ER in the middle of the night. Recently my growth group studied prayer in the Psalms and create “our own” prayer using the Psalms. Here is my prayer:

Dear Jesus,

I lay here on my bed remembering you. I think of you throughout the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadows of your wings (Ps 63:6-7). In the morning, you hear my voice as I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation (Ps 5:3).

I acknowledge my sin to you, Jesus...I confess my transgressions (Ps 32:5). Forgive my hidden faults. Keep me from willful sin...may they not rule over me. (Ps 19 12-13).

Recently I pleaded with you to heal me, but you reminded me that your grace is sufficient for me. Thank you for teaching me to embrace my weaknesses, hardships and difficulties. (2 Cor 12: 8-10). You turned my wailing into dancing...I will give you thanks forever. (Ps 30:11) When I am overwhelmed and desperate, you alone know which way I ought to turn. (Ps 142: 3)

I pray all my friends and family will trust you all the time. (Ps 62:8) I pray all who know your mercy, will count on you for help (Ps 9:10) as they turn to you, and they pour out their longings to you (Ps 62:8). May your face shine upon all those that do not know you that they may be saved. (Ps 80:7)

Many are the plans in our hearts, but it is Your purpose that prevails (Prov 19:21). Lord, I thank you for the plans you have for my family, for my growth group, and for my friends. (Jer 29:11) I pray we will all seek you with all our hearts (Jer 29:13)

I praise you for not rejecting my prayers or withholding your love from me (Ps 66:20). I trust you will hear me when I call to you. (Ps. 4:3) Teach me your way, O Lord, lead me in a straight path. (Ps 27:11) May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing to you (Ps 19:14)

Jesus, I love you.

Laura

I hope this Easter draws each of you closer to God. Despite anything you may be struggling through, I pray you will know and trust a God that loves you unconditionally. Bob and I have truly been lifted up by your prayers.

Why Jesus?

She was a 38 year old mother of 2, (to a five-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son), when she lost hope, took a gun and shot herself. She died Thursday, February 19th, 2009, and left behind a loving, caring, devastated family. What draws someone to the point of suicide? What robs us of our hope?

In my life, I have known despair. Having grown up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home, where both my parents battled the disease, I was extremely fragile. My first marriage was torn down and shattered into pieces. It was the darkest days of my life. They were darker than when I was molested as a child and darker than when my dad was diagnosed and died from lung cancer. The loss of a relationship can strip us of our self-worth and of our hope.

Why am I exposing myself on a public BLOG? Because, through it all, I have clung to hope. The object of my hope became Jesus when I turned 30. He has been the stronghold in my life, counseled me through many battles, and lifted me up when it appeared the boat was sinking.

1 Danna Demetre said:
“We can’t KNOW HOPE unless we’ve KNOWN DESPAIR
(2Cor1:8b) Paul writes, “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even for life.”
We can’t know TRUE JOY unless we’ve KNOWN SORROW
(Ps 116:3b) Psalmist writes, “I was overcome by trouble & sorrow.”
We can not TRULY FORGIVE unless we’ve EXPERIENCED FORGIVENESS
(Col 3:13) “Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.”
We can not GIVE PURE LOVE until we have KNOWN THE AUTHOR of true love
(1John 4:19) “We love because he first loved us.”

I lost my “voice” for this BLOG, these past several weeks, as I struggled with healing and patience. Yet the Lord is my portion and continues to provide for me through the love that pours out from friends and family. It is through God’s grace that I have found my “voice” to be a light of hope. It has been through God’s grace that I have found my “sight.” Despite my double vision, I am so grateful to be able to see.

The song, Because You Loved Me, was not written for Jesus. However, it has become my theme song to Jesus. On May 7, 2000, as I spoke to a group of high school students, and their moms, this song became my prayer. As I listen to the words, I am always reminded of the many times God has held me up:

Dear Jesus,
For all those times You stood by me
For all the truth that You made me see
For all the joy You brought to my life
For all the wrong that You made right
For every dream You made come true
For all the love I’ve found in You
I’ll be forever thankful.

You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall.
You’re the one that saw me through it all.

Jesus, You are my strength when I am weak. (2 Cor 12: 8-10)
You are my voice when I can not speak.
You are my eyes when I can not see.
You see the best there is in me.
You lifted me up when I couldn’t reach.
You gave me faith cause You believed.

I’m everything I am, Because You love me.


1You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, You gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I “have” Your love I “have” it all
I’m grateful for each day You “give” me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I “am” blessed because I “am” loved by You

You “are” always there for me
The tender wind that “carries” me
A light in the dark shining Your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies You “are” the truth
My world is a better place because of You

Amen

Yes, the Lord has got my attention…I pray he has also gotten your attention. I am finding a renewed attitude in many areas of my life. Recently, I embraced my vision with gladness and thankfulness that I can see at all. "Seeing" was hidden behind my self-pity. By embracing my sight, I can "see" the Lord more clearly now. I feel like the passion and fire I felt, prior to the surgery, is coming back; God's purpose for my life is beginning to emerge again!

It is definitely a new dance. I know many of you are still on the dance floor. What a joy it is to lock arms with each of you.

Love,

Laura

ALL THE WORLD

As I play the song, “All The World” by Point of Grace, over and over again (full blast), I am reminded of all the times I spent on the tread mill, all the times I was filled with grace, all the times I was given strength, hope, peace, trust and joy through this journey. I have also come to realize the journey is not over…in fact, it has just begun. This song has encouraged me to be a voice, to give an answer, to shine God’s light for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE. What a privilege He gives each one of us to be a voice. As I struggled with patience, the past couple weeks, the Lord truly brought me back into focus. He reminded me that believing in Him does not guarantee freedom from pain or loss, but it does guarantee strength in my time of weakness, pain, or sorrow. It is my hope to be a “page,” for all the world, as I assemble my journey into a book. Months before I was told I had a tumor, I began writing, not realizing that this was how the Lord was preparing me for this journey. In the summer of 2008, with a small group of close friends, I confided that I felt the Lord calling me to write a book and possibly speak publicly. Today, looking back at all that has been written, all that I have learned, and looking forward to what will still be written, I am filled with joy and a purpose knowing the Lord wants me to shine His light for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE. (For all you BLOGGERS, it would make me so happy if someone knew how to put this song on my playlist, even though it is not listed in the choice of BLOG songs.)

I must share the many blessings that have poured out on me these past couple weeks. Shortly after my last post, Dave and Miriam Keesey set out to try to expedite my visit to the ophthalmologist. Dave works for Kaiser and happens to know, personally, the head of the ophthalmology department. Just 3 days after my post, I got a call from Kaiser, on January 5th, wanting to know if I could come in that same day, rather than wait until January 27th. Over the next few weeks I am getting prescription glasses, (one pair for distance and another for close up) that will be fitted with a prism. Hopefully these glasses will work better for me than my first prism glasses. In the meantime, I have devised a way to see, single vision, by putting a small piece of tape on one lens of my sunglasses. I CAN ACTUALLY DRIVE SAFELY while wearing my sunglasses. This has been a giant step forward in learning how to adapt as well as learning how to accept there are no guarantees I will regain normal vision.

The pain in my tailbone is gone. Ice and patience are beautiful things! I no longer ice to reduce the pain, I just ice as a preventative measure. For the past 3 days I have been pain free! Also, I am finally able to open my mouth wide enough to get my teeth fixed, and I am back with my Fit Together group, at work, to help encourage me to eat well and exercise often. Speaking of work, my last day of disability is Friday, January 16th, then it is off to work I go. Ready or not, here I come!!!

I owe my new patience and attitude to II Cor 12: 8-9, as I realize life is not always easy and may not always go the way I want. This verse has been a lifeline to me as it has truly given me strength in my weakness. The lesson I learned from this verse is to endure my pain, loss, frustration, anger or impatience by trusting in the Lord. When things don’t turn out, just as I hoped or prayed for, like my double vision, I will find a way to accept the circumstances and draw hope from all of God’s promises to me. No matter what the trial, God’s grace is sufficient and will provide all the strength I need to endure, and He will give me an open heart to adapt.

I am no longer slow dancing in La Mesa. I have picked up the pace and plan to stay on the dance floor for a very long time. It is my hope and prayer that you will join me and dance, long into the future, as we dance our way into eternity!

Love,

Laura