SINGLE VISION

Thursday morning, April 22, the patch came off, and I looked at the picture on the wall. For the first time, in 18 months, there was only one picture on the wall. Most of my vision has been restored to single vision. It is still very weird. As I wear my prescription glasses, I have to remind myself that the prism, that corrected the double vision, is gone. What I see is what I really see. I still see double when looking down, like reading a book, but that is easily corrected by lifting the book up or tilting my head down. The same when looking at the computer. I know I can adapt to this, as I have adapted to it for the past 18 months.

I did have a bit of a melt down Thursday night. As I was watching TV, my eyes just split into double vision for no reason. I could consciously pull them back, but it kept happening. I was so scared, I just lost it. I feel better today, Friday, after my doctor appointment. He feels everything is OK. He suggests we just need to wait and see how my eyes heal and my brain adjusts before worrying about it. For now, I will not be doing much/any driving until I am certain I can control the double vision. Yes, I am a bit stressed, but I am kind of relieved that the doctor is not worried.

Thank you ALL for your prayers and your kind thoughts. Here is my prayer back to each of you…

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

I also pray this prayer, daily, for you (Yes, this one comes up as a pop up reminder!)…

God, bless all my friends, family (and me) in whatever it is that You know we may be needing this day! Open our ears, our eyes, and, most importantly, our hearts to you. May our lives be full of Your grace, peace, prosperity and power as we seek to have a closer relationship with You. I pray the Holy Spirit will empower us to resist temptation and replace temptation with a desire to reach out to others in kindness and love. Use us, Lord, as the servants that we are. Help us to recognize when You open doors for us, we might faithfully walk through.

God, thank you for the miracles of modern medicine and for restoring my vision. Amen.

With love,

Laura

Flashlight of Hope

In October 2008, it appeared my life path was coming to an end. Instead, the Lord handed me a bright, powerful, fully-charged flashlight (with steroid induced batteries) that, when pointed on Him, reflected a blanket of light down on me through hundreds of friends, family and strangers who walked with me on my journey. The light made the uncertain road an adventure filled with curves, valleys, mountain top experiences and a few melt downs as the batteries lost their charge. It is a chapter in my life I hope never to lose on a shelf. Wednesday, April 21, 2010, is the final preparation to the start of a new chapter in my book. As I tried to come to terms with the realization that the surgery will only partially correct my double vision, the Lord focused my flashlight on Nash, a little, 3-year-old boy (the son of a friend of mine) who was recently diagnosed with a tumor in his eye. The eye was removed, and there is still uncertainty whether the other eye will develop the same, rare, genetic mutation. Within a few days after his surgery, Nash was out running and playing, unfazed by the loss of his eye. My flashlight was, once again, re-charged and lifted up as the Lord continues to remind me that despite the mountains I have climbed, there is someone else with a much steeper mountain to climb. It is by Grace that we reach the top of each mountain set before us. It is by Grace that we learn how to live within our limitations, disappointments, pain and loss. It is by Grace that our flashlights are charged and we see the world in a whole new light.

Although my single vision will not be restored, completely, we hope for significant improvement to my forward vision. On Thursday morning, at 8 AM, the bandage will be removed from my right eye, and, depending on the outcome of the surgery, the doctor can make an adjustment to the slip-knot of a stitch in an attempt to fine-tune my vision. It is not a perfect science.

Thank you for praying for the success of this surgery. More importantly, thank you for praying for an opportunity to use my flashlight as an encouragement to others.

Bill Walker's Walk of Hope

For those of you that know me, I often pour out my thoughts on paper. Today is no exception. I want to share with you a moment in time that was a powerful testament of God’s love and how He works in our lives. I know it is a bit lengthy, sorry…but the story needs to be told.

WHAT CANCER CAN NOT DO…IN MEMORY OF BILL WALKER

It cannot…

Invade the soul,

Suppress memories,

Kill friendship,

Destroy peace,

Conquer the spirit

Shatter hope

Cripple love

Corrode faith

Steal eternal life

Silence courage.

Several months ago, Bill Walker hugged me and called me his “angel.” Others, close to Bill, echoed the same sentiment. I was flattered, but never felt worthy of the complement. Today, I still do not feel worthy to be called an angel, but I am eternally grateful that these words opened my eyes to God’s call to minister to Bill and his family. Sunday morning, the day after Bill was called into his eternal home, the Lord spoke to me clearly and unequivocally, reminding me that He was in control and that I was merely His messenger.

Let me start at the beginning. I was given several opportunities to share God’s love with Bill and Peggy. Visiting with them was very special, but each time I left, I felt my words were inadequate. I felt I could have said more, done more, shared more. I would often follow up with an e-mail, as it has been much easier for me to write out my thoughts than to speak them. I never wanted to intrude in their lives, but one night I told Cindy that I needed time alone with Bill, because I desperately wanted to know where he was in his faith. The opportunity presented itself quickly, and joyfully, with Peggy, Cindy, Keith, Bob, Bill and I joined together in a conversation about faith. Bill confessed that although he was never much of a church goer, he did have faith. Before I left that night, I found myself standing “alone” with Bill, in a room full of family. I put my arm around him, and he put his arm around me, we hugged and I prayed for him, just the two of us. That night the door was opened and Jesus’ love was poured out. Yet, I still left feeling I should have said more.

There were several other opportunities given to me to share God’s love with Bill and Peggy. On Friday evening, Cindy called me to let me know that her Dad was not doing well. I hesitated to ask if Bob and I could come over, but by the end of the conversation there was no need to ask. When we got to the house, we joined a room full of family. Bill was awake but not overly responsive. Bob sat with him for a short time, until I moved into his place. I opened my Bible and read John 14:1-4, where Jesus said to his disciples, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” I told Bill I wanted him to save me a room next to his. He said he wanted one with a view. We laughed. In Cindy’s words, “Laura and Daddy have had some good talks and she's prayed for him. When she walked into the room Friday...he lifted his arms high up to her and embraced her like he hadn't to ANY of the other family who were there. We've always known they had a special relationship and thought of her as a daughter....BUT....I have to tell you, that he wasn't only hugging Laura....he was hugging God because she didn't stand alone that day. HE walked into the room with her. She prayed in a circle with all of us, and it wasn't long after that that Daddy slipped into a coma and just didn't wake up.”

I really do not know what I said when I prayed that night. When Bob and I got home, I was unsettled. Throughout the night, I kept waking up and thinking, "I should have said..., I should have said..." In the morning, I prayed for another chance to pray with Bill and the family.

It is so important, to stop here and point out the significance of God’s timing. Shortly after we gathered around Bill Friday night, held hands, and prayed, Bill fell asleep. Because I was celebrating Jamie’s birthday from 9 AM to around 2 PM, Saturday, I wasn’t able to check in until that afternoon. I called Eileen and offered to bring everyone Starbucks. She was obviously pleased. They had been up all night. In Cindy’s words, “Bob and Laura had been told that Daddy was in a coma, but Laura still needed to see him. They'd been in the room about 10 minutes or so and I swear he heard her. When she was talking and laughing with Mom, over ‘dad’ stories, Eileen called me to look at Daddy. He'd opened his eyes...wasn't focused or ‘there,’ but they had opened up and he drew his last breaths. I believe he held on until Laura and Christ walked into the room. Then it was okay for him to go. I've never seen anything like it, and I probably never will again. The power and peace at that moment was so moving. Laura held his arm, as we all held onto a part of Daddy, and he let go.”

Yes, I touched Bill's arm, closed my eyes, and thanked God for this second chance. I prayed for the Lord to open the door to the room he had prepared for Bill. As I prayed, Bill took his last breath. It is hard to explain, but there was a connection between my fingers and the crook of Bill’s arm. It felt like our veins were connected as the blood flowed between the two of us. Even after his last breath, I felt this flow. I was in awe of this very intense, but joy-filled second-chance to be with Bill, to pray over Bill, and to experience the Lord carry him home. I have no doubt that the Lord was in that room, and I have not doubt that Bill is with our Lord Jesus.

Sunday morning, as I sat in church, filled with the sadness of our loss, I picked up the bulletin and read the following quote. “God already knows anything we could ever say. Therefore, prayer is primarily about communion, not communication,” by Ben Patterson. God’s timing is perfect. I am now at peace with the words spoken Friday night. It was not about the words…it was not about me. I really don't need to know what I said. It is about trusting in a God that loves us. It is about being open to Jesus’ call. It is about allowing God’s grace to flow in us and through us.

On February 3^rd, I shared the following song with Bill and Peggy. The words are below. You can hear it at http://www.onlylyrics.com/hits.php?grid=8&id=1038844 . Bill Walker is with our God. He is at peace. He is without pain.

THERE IS A GOD

Try and put your arms around
the 100 year old tree
Climb up on a horse
and let it run full speed
Take a look down at the world from 30,000 feet
on your next flight

Watch a flock of birds
against the morning sun
Close your eyes and listen
to the river run
Catch a firefly in your hand
or a raindrop on your tongue
That's right

Chorus:
There is a God
There is a God
There is a God
How much proof do you need?

Plant a seed and see
what comes out of the ground
Find the heartbeat on your baby's ultrasound
In a few years hear it laughing,
and don't it sound like a song?

Stop and think about
what you don't understand
Things like life and love
and how the world began
Hear the doctor say he can't explain it,
but the cancer is gone

Chorus:
There is a God
There is a God
There is a God
How much proof do you need?

Bridge:
Science says it's all just circumstance
Like this whole worlds just an accident
But if you want to shoot that theory down,
Look around

Just look around

There is a God
There is a God
There is a God,
How much proof do you need?

Oh there is a God
There is a God
There is a God
How much proof do you need?

In His Grip,

Laura

Dancing in the Rain!

As many of you know, I have been attempting to write a letter to Jesus, once a week, since February 2008. Since my surgery, I have been lucky to make time to write a letter once a month, let alone once a week. However, today begins a new commitment to my time with God, as I have delivered my fears and frustrations into His hands and am learning to dance in the rain. Rather than rewrite my letter into a BLOG posting, it is easier, and wiser, to just share my letter with you, as it will answer many of your questions on how I am doing.

Dear Jesus,

What started as a weekly commitment to write a letter to you, has turned into a monthly attempt to get back on track. Fortunately, what has not been written down, into a letter, has been expressed through prayer. Thank you for all that you have done in my life. Thank you for lifting me up when I have fallen.

Today I want to capture my thoughts and then share them on my BLOG. It is a recap of where I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually. All three have been impacted by You. Physically I am coping with my “new normal” which is double vision and confused nerves in my face. You have reminded me, over and over, to be thankful for what I have, my vision, and not to dwell on what I don’t have. Recently, I discovered that my vision is much worse looking down, and I can’t help but wonder if this is your way of reminding me to keep “looking up.” I feel lighter on my feet, these days, although I must admit there is a small cloud hanging over my head, reminding me that this physical journey is not over. I still face the likeliness of eye surgery and the possibility of the tumor growing and causing more complications. Lord, I put my fears, my frustrations, and my physical body into your hands. I trust that my physical journey can be used as a voice to remind me, and others, that you are on this journey with me/us, and you will provide the strength, comfort, and resiliance we need to face all of life with joy.

Emotionally, I am connected to my physical, most of the time. However, recently, I have felt the strength to detach my physical concerns from my emotional state of mind. By separating the two, my emotional high is returning. I feel a renewed energy to embrace life with enthusiasm and excitement. As much as I like slow dancing, there is something special when dancing with joy.

My physical “repair,” as well as my emotional well-being, have centered on my spiritual journey, which, I must say, has been the rock in the course of the storm...it has been my life jacket in the middle of the sea and my parachute during some free falls. During this amazing journey, I was sent a quote that I have adopted, that clearly describes my outlook. “Life isn’t about waiting of the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain!” What a fitting piece of advice for someone, like me, that equates “dancing” with joy and grace from You.
Probably the most significant lesson I have learned, this past year, is how to pray and how to trust. Through this journey, I experienced a flood of Your grace when I finally learned how to lean on You and to trust in You with all my heart, mind and soul. I used to avoid praying, specifically, because it was like “wishing upon a star.” If my prayer/wish did not come true, than I felt let down. Today I can pray, specifically, with confidence, knowing that it will draw me closer to you, through prayer, as I entrust others into your hands. “Specifically,” it lifts the weight of the prayer off my shoulders and into Your care. It focuses my attention on those that need prayer and creates a desire, in my heart, to reach out to those I pray for. Prayer is a universal language, not a magic act. It helps us to celebrate the joys in life and gives us strength through the storms of life. Prayer is a beautiful state of mind, as long as I treat it with respect, with confidence, with consistency and with love. Even when my specific prayers are not answered, in the manner I requested, I have finally learned to trust the answer. I need to trust that life is bigger than I can ever understand...which is why your Word tells me to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5-6.

Thank you for teaching me to trust...thank you for directing my path.

Learning to dance in the rain,

Laura

PS: The Patient's Patient, Bob the Patient, has fully recovered from his 9 day stay in the hospital. We thought he would be coming home on Easter Sunday, but he took a significant turn for the worst and did not come home until Wednesday, April 15th. It was a slow climb out of the pit, but I am happy to report he is back to being Bob the Builder, Bob the Gardener, and Bob the Adored Grandpa. Thank you for all your prayers as we continue to learn to "dance in the rain."

THE PATIENT’S PATIENT

Bob the Builder…Bob the Gardener…Bob the Make Up Artist… is now Bob the Patient. I really don’t know how to put into words how difficult it is to hold the hand of the one you love as he struggles through so much pain and discomfort. Just when we thought things had finally turned a corner, a new trial has exploded in our path. Just last Thursday, April 2nd, I had a wisdom tooth pulled because of a toothache that laughed at my brain tumor. One week later, the pain of my toothache was like a sleeping child compared to the distress Bob the Builder is experiencing. Bob went in for an out-patient, laproscopic hernia repair on Monday, April 6th. There were some complications that added a large incision to the 8 laproscopic incisions and put him in the hospital for a couple days. I brought him home on Wednesday only to have to deliver him back to the ER Wednesday night. As of Friday, he is still in the hospital. I won’t go into the gory details but know that he is in a lot of pain and discomfort.

This year has ignited our faith, challenged our sense of humor, and tested our patience. We have been brought to our knees so many times that Bob’s knees leave white marks on the black rubber floor where we train. I have come to respect my body of which I have taken for granted for so long. I have come to accept my responsibility to care for this uniquely created vessel. I used to measure the worth of my body by what it weighed. Today I embrace it like one embraces a new born baby…tenderly, carefully, and with determination to nourish it wisely. The treadmill has become my friend after spending so many sleepless nights running to nowhere.

Through it all, God has been our portion. He has taught me to trust Him unconditionally. Despite Sean and Brianne’s setback in baseball, He gave me a door to knock on when I needed to take Bob back to the ER in the middle of the night. Recently my growth group studied prayer in the Psalms and create “our own” prayer using the Psalms. Here is my prayer:

Dear Jesus,

I lay here on my bed remembering you. I think of you throughout the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadows of your wings (Ps 63:6-7). In the morning, you hear my voice as I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation (Ps 5:3).

I acknowledge my sin to you, Jesus...I confess my transgressions (Ps 32:5). Forgive my hidden faults. Keep me from willful sin...may they not rule over me. (Ps 19 12-13).

Recently I pleaded with you to heal me, but you reminded me that your grace is sufficient for me. Thank you for teaching me to embrace my weaknesses, hardships and difficulties. (2 Cor 12: 8-10). You turned my wailing into dancing...I will give you thanks forever. (Ps 30:11) When I am overwhelmed and desperate, you alone know which way I ought to turn. (Ps 142: 3)

I pray all my friends and family will trust you all the time. (Ps 62:8) I pray all who know your mercy, will count on you for help (Ps 9:10) as they turn to you, and they pour out their longings to you (Ps 62:8). May your face shine upon all those that do not know you that they may be saved. (Ps 80:7)

Many are the plans in our hearts, but it is Your purpose that prevails (Prov 19:21). Lord, I thank you for the plans you have for my family, for my growth group, and for my friends. (Jer 29:11) I pray we will all seek you with all our hearts (Jer 29:13)

I praise you for not rejecting my prayers or withholding your love from me (Ps 66:20). I trust you will hear me when I call to you. (Ps. 4:3) Teach me your way, O Lord, lead me in a straight path. (Ps 27:11) May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing to you (Ps 19:14)

Jesus, I love you.

Laura

I hope this Easter draws each of you closer to God. Despite anything you may be struggling through, I pray you will know and trust a God that loves you unconditionally. Bob and I have truly been lifted up by your prayers.

Why Jesus?

She was a 38 year old mother of 2, (to a five-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son), when she lost hope, took a gun and shot herself. She died Thursday, February 19th, 2009, and left behind a loving, caring, devastated family. What draws someone to the point of suicide? What robs us of our hope?

In my life, I have known despair. Having grown up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home, where both my parents battled the disease, I was extremely fragile. My first marriage was torn down and shattered into pieces. It was the darkest days of my life. They were darker than when I was molested as a child and darker than when my dad was diagnosed and died from lung cancer. The loss of a relationship can strip us of our self-worth and of our hope.

Why am I exposing myself on a public BLOG? Because, through it all, I have clung to hope. The object of my hope became Jesus when I turned 30. He has been the stronghold in my life, counseled me through many battles, and lifted me up when it appeared the boat was sinking.

1 Danna Demetre said:
“We can’t KNOW HOPE unless we’ve KNOWN DESPAIR
(2Cor1:8b) Paul writes, “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even for life.”
We can’t know TRUE JOY unless we’ve KNOWN SORROW
(Ps 116:3b) Psalmist writes, “I was overcome by trouble & sorrow.”
We can not TRULY FORGIVE unless we’ve EXPERIENCED FORGIVENESS
(Col 3:13) “Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.”
We can not GIVE PURE LOVE until we have KNOWN THE AUTHOR of true love
(1John 4:19) “We love because he first loved us.”

I lost my “voice” for this BLOG, these past several weeks, as I struggled with healing and patience. Yet the Lord is my portion and continues to provide for me through the love that pours out from friends and family. It is through God’s grace that I have found my “voice” to be a light of hope. It has been through God’s grace that I have found my “sight.” Despite my double vision, I am so grateful to be able to see.

The song, Because You Loved Me, was not written for Jesus. However, it has become my theme song to Jesus. On May 7, 2000, as I spoke to a group of high school students, and their moms, this song became my prayer. As I listen to the words, I am always reminded of the many times God has held me up:

Dear Jesus,
For all those times You stood by me
For all the truth that You made me see
For all the joy You brought to my life
For all the wrong that You made right
For every dream You made come true
For all the love I’ve found in You
I’ll be forever thankful.

You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall.
You’re the one that saw me through it all.

Jesus, You are my strength when I am weak. (2 Cor 12: 8-10)
You are my voice when I can not speak.
You are my eyes when I can not see.
You see the best there is in me.
You lifted me up when I couldn’t reach.
You gave me faith cause You believed.

I’m everything I am, Because You love me.


1You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, You gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I “have” Your love I “have” it all
I’m grateful for each day You “give” me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I “am” blessed because I “am” loved by You

You “are” always there for me
The tender wind that “carries” me
A light in the dark shining Your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies You “are” the truth
My world is a better place because of You

Amen

Yes, the Lord has got my attention…I pray he has also gotten your attention. I am finding a renewed attitude in many areas of my life. Recently, I embraced my vision with gladness and thankfulness that I can see at all. "Seeing" was hidden behind my self-pity. By embracing my sight, I can "see" the Lord more clearly now. I feel like the passion and fire I felt, prior to the surgery, is coming back; God's purpose for my life is beginning to emerge again!

It is definitely a new dance. I know many of you are still on the dance floor. What a joy it is to lock arms with each of you.

Love,

Laura

ALL THE WORLD

As I play the song, “All The World” by Point of Grace, over and over again (full blast), I am reminded of all the times I spent on the tread mill, all the times I was filled with grace, all the times I was given strength, hope, peace, trust and joy through this journey. I have also come to realize the journey is not over…in fact, it has just begun. This song has encouraged me to be a voice, to give an answer, to shine God’s light for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE. What a privilege He gives each one of us to be a voice. As I struggled with patience, the past couple weeks, the Lord truly brought me back into focus. He reminded me that believing in Him does not guarantee freedom from pain or loss, but it does guarantee strength in my time of weakness, pain, or sorrow. It is my hope to be a “page,” for all the world, as I assemble my journey into a book. Months before I was told I had a tumor, I began writing, not realizing that this was how the Lord was preparing me for this journey. In the summer of 2008, with a small group of close friends, I confided that I felt the Lord calling me to write a book and possibly speak publicly. Today, looking back at all that has been written, all that I have learned, and looking forward to what will still be written, I am filled with joy and a purpose knowing the Lord wants me to shine His light for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE. (For all you BLOGGERS, it would make me so happy if someone knew how to put this song on my playlist, even though it is not listed in the choice of BLOG songs.)

I must share the many blessings that have poured out on me these past couple weeks. Shortly after my last post, Dave and Miriam Keesey set out to try to expedite my visit to the ophthalmologist. Dave works for Kaiser and happens to know, personally, the head of the ophthalmology department. Just 3 days after my post, I got a call from Kaiser, on January 5th, wanting to know if I could come in that same day, rather than wait until January 27th. Over the next few weeks I am getting prescription glasses, (one pair for distance and another for close up) that will be fitted with a prism. Hopefully these glasses will work better for me than my first prism glasses. In the meantime, I have devised a way to see, single vision, by putting a small piece of tape on one lens of my sunglasses. I CAN ACTUALLY DRIVE SAFELY while wearing my sunglasses. This has been a giant step forward in learning how to adapt as well as learning how to accept there are no guarantees I will regain normal vision.

The pain in my tailbone is gone. Ice and patience are beautiful things! I no longer ice to reduce the pain, I just ice as a preventative measure. For the past 3 days I have been pain free! Also, I am finally able to open my mouth wide enough to get my teeth fixed, and I am back with my Fit Together group, at work, to help encourage me to eat well and exercise often. Speaking of work, my last day of disability is Friday, January 16th, then it is off to work I go. Ready or not, here I come!!!

I owe my new patience and attitude to II Cor 12: 8-9, as I realize life is not always easy and may not always go the way I want. This verse has been a lifeline to me as it has truly given me strength in my weakness. The lesson I learned from this verse is to endure my pain, loss, frustration, anger or impatience by trusting in the Lord. When things don’t turn out, just as I hoped or prayed for, like my double vision, I will find a way to accept the circumstances and draw hope from all of God’s promises to me. No matter what the trial, God’s grace is sufficient and will provide all the strength I need to endure, and He will give me an open heart to adapt.

I am no longer slow dancing in La Mesa. I have picked up the pace and plan to stay on the dance floor for a very long time. It is my hope and prayer that you will join me and dance, long into the future, as we dance our way into eternity!

Love,

Laura

A PATIENT PATIENT

So many of you have called or e-mailed to see how I am doing. In the past I would have put on my “mask” and replied, “I am fine.” However, through so many lessons, these past several months, I must now confess I still need your prayers. Here is why…

Definitions:
Patient-willing to put up with waiting, pain, or anything that annoys, troubles or hurts. Enduring, calmly, without complaining or losing self control. Persevering, steady effort.
Patient-a person who is being treated by a doctor.

I get an A for being a patient-a person who is being treated by a doctor. However, I get an F+ for being patient. I got my staples out on Tuesday, Dec 29th. It went better than expected and despite some soreness/numbness in my left eye and cheek, my recovery from this surgery has been moving along quite well.

What I didn’t expect is to have some dental issues that I can not tend to, for several weeks, until I can actually open my mouth wider. I need to be patient until the chewing muscle, which was cut during surgery, heals. Consequently, if anything cold sloshes over to the left side of my mouth, I must brace myself for that lovely shooting pain from a very sensitive tooth.

Did I mention my annoyance at the extra 10 pounds I gained from my steroid trauma? Of course, due to my lack of patience, I expect and want this weight to be gone NOW. Unfortunately, I can not go back to weight training or aerobic exercise for several more weeks. Considering it has only been 2 weeks since I had major surgery…I need to be patient! In due time I will have plenty opportunity to lose the weight…

My ophthalmologist appointment is not until the end of January, so I must continue to endure my double vision. However, there has been some improvement as I have discovered a way to block out the double vision by putting a piece of tape on my glasses and sunglasses. Being the patient person I am, I will be calling, every other day, in hopes that the ophthalmologist might have a cancelation between now and the 27th.

Recently, I started to experience a sore tailbone (also known as a “pain in the butt”). I can only attribute this problem to having slept sitting up, for the first several days after surgery, putting pressure on my tailbone. Unfortunately, the pain has continued to get worse and went from intermittent to chronic. I finally e-mailed my doctor, today, to find out how I might “survive” this newest annoyance which is also testing my failed patience.

Yesterday, during one of my many “complaining” moments, unable to endure, I turned to the Lord and cried out for Him to take away the pain (yes, the one in my butt!). He turned me to II Corinthians 12: 8-9. This is where Paul writes, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I (Paul and Laura) will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I have gained a new appreciation for Paul and for those of you who have had to endure chronic pain, chronic illnesses, or painful treatments such as chemo-therapy. My “job” is to learn how to wait, trust, and rejoice in all that I am learning from this experience. As I read back through my BLOG, I am reminded of my own counsel: James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Having written this new post, I am already feeling stronger and more prepared for what lies ahead. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable. A friend recently pointed out that I am a patient person, with others, just not with myself. I know your prayers have lifted me up, for several months, and will continue to lift me up as I try not to be the over-achieving, impatient, patient that I currently am.

Slow-dancing in La Mesa! Happy New Year!

Love,

Laura

STILL DANCING!

OKOK, so maybe I am dancing a little slow, but I am definitely dancing the “happy dance!” Can you believe I went home the day after surgery? Being the over-achieving, “A” student, they must have been impressed with the way I squeezed their fingers, pushed against their hands with my feet, and stuck out my tongue. I must have also passed the “after-surgery MRI.” Bob and I were in a state of disbelief as we pulled away from the hospital curb.

How am I doing now? As reported earlier, the surgeons were quite pleased with the way the orange-size tumor “fell out” of my head. Although there is still a piece of the tumor left in my cavernous sinus, I was told not to worry about it as it is very possible nothing will be affected. It will be watched, but, at the moment, we are not considering radiation therapy.

I have very little pain. Occasionally I will take a couple Tylenol, but I do not need anything stronger. My left side of my face, mostly near my eye and cheek, are still a little numb which may be why I am not in much pain. The chewing muscle was cut, so I do have a little difficulty opening my mouth very wide. That, in itself, is a blessing!!

Bob and I went to the Healthy Back store to buy a foam wedge so that I can sleep sitting up. I found that laying flat, for several hours, tends to put unwanted, added pressure on my head. Surprising, I did not lose much hair. The staples, which will come out on Tuesday, December 30, start at my ear, travel up, slightly away from my face, and then make a big U-turn and head for my forehead. If they shaved any hair, it appears they only shaved it on the staple track as there is hair above and below the “track.”

The best part of my recovery instructions is to be up and around and not napping all day. I take a walk, each morning, which really jump starts my battery, and keeps me up and moving most of the day. Yes, I get tired, and I am slowly learning my limits. Bob keeps a close eye on me and knows when I need to rest.

Given the size of the tumor, and the area it displaced, it is no surprise that I still have double vision. It could take up to a year for my vision to be corrected. I meet with the ophthalmologist on January 27 and will have a better idea of what to expect.

Through it all, I am being taught patience as well as how to trust the Lord. It is my hope to share how He prepared me, months before the tumor was discovered, and how He continues to work through my life. We all face challenges. This is just one of many challenges I have had to face in my life. However, with each trial, with each challenge, I have been blessed with renewed strength, confidence, and faith. Life is to be embraced, and by trusting in Jesus, He will provide an outpouring of grace and love.

On December 25th we celebrate the birth of Hope! I pray each of you will join me in celebrating Jesus, our provision, our peace, and our joy. I pray you will continue to walk with me on this “journey of hope.” Turn on the music and dance with me!

Hugs,

Laura

Still smiling!

Many of you have probably been waiting all day to read another post. Well at 1pm we heard the phone ring.. it was the nurse from the PACU (post anesthesia care unit). Bob, Jamie, and Sean rushed over to the phone to hear the latest. Bob talked to the nurse and the nurse told Bob that Laura was awake and waiting to see her family. One by one they filed in to see Laura.  Each of them spent only a few minutes with her. When they came back to the waiting room, all three of them had the biggest smiles on their faces. They said.. she looks awesome and she is so Alert and with-it.  Soon after they visited, she couldnt see any visitors for a little while because she was given more pain medication (IV Dilaudid), if any of you know drugs.. this is an AWESOME one. It is stronger than Morphine and works amazingly. 

Anyways.. she is doing awesome. In the afternoon we all went our separate ways, while sweet Bob waited patiently for the moment he would be able to see her again. Sean and I came back around 5pm to check on her, and she was still in the PACU. Apparently the entire hospital was FULL. Therefore they had to wait hours for a room. It got to be ridiculous, so I decided to use some of my nursing skills. I went over to ICU and asked their charge nurse what the hold up was? She stated that they just needed to receive report from the PACU and then they would transfer her over. 

So then I went to ask PACU why they hadn't called over report. The nurse decided to make up a story, so I asked for him to talk to his supervisor. Long story short, We got her moved over within minutes to the ICU. 

It was a long day, a long GREAT day. 

Please continue to pray for an amazing recovery. 

We will try to keep this blog as updated as much as possible.

We truly appreciate all the emails,cards and gifts that have been sent.

Laura is still dancing, even in her beautiful blue hospital gown!!

The picture above was taken by Sean's phone as she was being wheeled into her ICU room. Do you notice her big smile?

The plan: They are monitoring her closely tonight in ICU, then possibly tomorrow afternoon will move her to a MED/SURG floor for recovery for 2-3 days. All of this is, of course, depending on how Laura feels.. 

Thank you again for all your thoughts, encouragements, and prayers!

Our God is GOOD!!

MIRACLES STILL EXIST!!

At 10:25am this morning, I recieved a phone call from Sean stating, that the MD just called the waiting room to speak with Bob. It was great news!!!
They neurosurgeon said that it was the best case scenario for Laura! Things couldn't have gone any better. Originally they said the tumor was the size of a lemon. It was actually the size of an Orange.  MIRACLES STILL EXIST!
The tumor was very soft tissue and therefore they were able to remove the 99% tumor without complications!!
They are finished removing the tumor and now are just sewing her back up.
The procedure was supposed to take 5+ hours, but it looks like it will be done very soon
I will continue to update as we know more, but for now.. IT IS WONDERFUL NEWS!!
Thank you for all your prayers.
We love all of you,
Brianne

CRACKED POT!!!

Today is the day before my surgery, and I have been seeking to find words that will offer hope, that will bring a smile, and that will provide encouragement to all of you who wait. After going to my pre-op appointment, and hearing more about the procedure, I have concluded that I am a “cracked pot!" It is my hope and prayer that like a “good cracked pot,” I have shed some light in your life that has helped you to grow and helped you to dance.

My check in time is 5:30 AM, Wednesday, and the expected surgery time is about 5 hours. I have asked my son, daughter, and/or daughter-in-law to post to the BLOG as soon as I am out of surgery. The goal is for all of us to be dancing Wednesday night!!!

Thank you all for your prayers and for all your encouragement. I am so glad that this will soon be behind me, and that I will have an opportunity to share, with others, just how the Lord worked in my life during a difficult and occasionally scary time.

From your "cracked pot" dancing in La Mesa.

I love you all,

Laura

Cracked Pot Inspirational Story

A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house. The cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream." I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?""I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house." Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good out there. There is a lot of good in us! Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life! Thank you to the cracked pots in my life. You have made life more interesting and beautiful.

Every family needs a lil laughter this season- Enjoy the Renfro/Walker Christmas Spectacular!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Dancing with God!

It is so interesting to see how easy it is to lose focus. In the past couple weeks, I have grown a line-backer's neck, an expanded tummy the size of a 7 month pregnant woman, and a cabbage patch face. Now that I am off the steroids, I have my mind back, no more super-sonic chatter box, but all the side affects have taken my focus off what is truly important. Although I need to care for my physical body, it should not be the focus of my attention. This morning I prayed that I might "adjust" my focus. As you all have seen, throughout this journey, I have been getting timely, direct messages. Today is no exception. Today's topic of Baseball Chapel just happened to be: The Gift of Trials ( or HELLO, LAURA, I'M TALKING TO YOU!)

Bev Sparling (author of today's Baseball Chapel) reminded me:
There is no growth without rain.
There are no roses without pruning.
There is no gold without fire.
There are no diamonds without pressure.
As every weight lifter knows, even our muscles must tear in order to grow stronger!

Bev also writes, "The 'bad things' that God allows in my life are good things and a demonstration of His love for me." James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

In addition to the Baseball Chapel message, I was given a poem today, called Dancing With God. I can't help but believe my prayer, to adjust my focus, has been answered. So, I am taking my focus off my cabbage-patch face and re-focusing on trust. I trust that this journey I am on is "refining" my spirit, my faith, and my hope. I trust that this journey might be a light for all that are struggling with their own focus. Put on your "patch," hold my hand, and let's continue to trust that we will learn and grow from this experience.

Let's dance, together-
with God!

Laura

Dancing With God
When I meditated on the word Guidance,
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness,
and attentiveness from one person
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw "G": I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i".
"God, "u" and "i" dance."
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust
that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings
and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God, as God abides in you.
Dance together with God, trusting God to lead
and to guide you through each season of your life.
I Hope You Dance !

GIVING THANKS!

As we gathered around our Thanksgiving table, at San Elijo State Beach, Sean turned to me and said, "You pray." I hesitated, a moment, and then turned it back to him. Later, I knew I I needed to respond. Here is my prayer, for all of you, my circle of friends, family, and those I have not even met yet:

Father, God in Heaven, thank you so much for loving each one of us and providing for all of our needs. We all have experienced difficult times in our lives. We have all felt empty, lost, and alone. However, through each of these times, you have taught us, encouraged us, and loved us through them. Just as the rain poured out on us this week, off and on, you then opened the sky with your beautiful sun and filled out hearts, to over-flowing, with grace, joy, peace and love. Thank you for the food you provide and the hands we are holding. Amen!

As I opened my eyes, EVERYONE had a patch on their eye. I was so touched as it made me realize...

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!! I LOVE YOU JESUS!

God bless each of you with His love and joy.

Hugs,

Laura

We have a plan!

"Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones."

This quote came from my Pei Wei Restaurant's Chinese fortune cookie a few hours after meeting with the surgeons. I was given the choice to 1) do nothing but "monitor" the tumor, 2) radiation, or 3) surgery. Despite the fact that the "choice" was a bit of a "no brainer," I felt God's gentile hand on my heart reminding me He is near.

Another interesting twist to this day was waking up, the morning of the appointment, with a date stuck in my head: December 17th. Talking to the surgeons, I expressed a desire to get this going as quickly as possible. The doctors noted that it usually took about 2 months to book, but they, too, had some seasonal cancellations. Dr. Cueva checked their schedule, turned the calendar to Dr. Mastrodimos, who nodded and said, "How about December 17th?" I instantly knew that was to be the day and exclaimed, "WOW, I dreamt that date last night!!!"

The best news was when I was told to stop the steroids! Soon I will be "me" again. I can't wait for my stretched-out, chipmunk face (no pictures please) to be restored, my super-sonic chatter mouth to be stilled, and my mind and body to be re-connected. It will take about 12 days to wean me off.

I will spare you the details of the surgery only to say they will be going in from the side, near my temple. It will take about 5 hours as the lemon-sized tumor that I have been likely carrying around for over 10 years (the doctors are quite certain this is a benign tumor), has met and embraced my carotid artery just to make the surgery a bit more interesting. It is wonderful to know that my team of surgeons are Kaiser's "special A team" who get most of Kaiser's brain tumor patients shipped to them from all over the country. I am in good hands.

It is also wonderful to know that God's little messages to me, through a cookie and a dream, remind me that I am really in Good Hands!

Embraced by Grace and still dancing in La Mesa,

Laura

MAGIC GLASSES!

Just like the bottled water and cup of soup, from the Doubletree Hotel, God continues to pour out his grace and provide for me in an amazing way. Thursday I had my ophthalmologist appointment. Yes, he confirmed, I was seeing double! However, there is no way of knowing how the tumor is impacting the vision until the surgery is over. In the meantime, the doctor referred me to Vanessa. It was 3 PM when Bob and I attempted to make an appointment with Vanessa. The first available was December 19th and the second available was January 5. But WAIT! Look! She had a cancelation TODAY. Do you want a 4:15 appointment at Vandevere??? YES!!!!

What does Vanessa do? She measures eyes to fit for a prism. Apparently, one of the muscles in my left eye is weak (likely because of the tumor) and is elevated. This means my brain is seeing two separate images (double vision). A prism, over one eye, can trick my weak eye into seeing the same image as my strong eye. Unbelievable! Even more unbelievable, Vanessa has been taking Thursday’s off, for vacation, for several weeks, but, today, she had several urgent patients and decided to come in. One of her patients cancelled their 4:15 appointment! After measuring me for the prism, and seeing the urgency, she contacted another lab tech to see if he could stick around and fit me with the prism, which is merely a film over a regular pair of glasses.

At 5:45 PM, with my eyes fully dilated (from my first appointment), and no contact lens in my right eye (for distance) I walked out of the office with a pair of Magic Glasses!! The double vision was gone, but, because my eyes were dilated and no contact lens, I had no idea what I was going to see.

Friday morning @ 6 AM—I CAN SEE! Single vision! Close up! Far away! But, wait, don’t move my eyes off the center part of my magic glasses or the world becomes a kaleidoscope again. I must confess, throughout the day, I discovered the magic glasses will take some time getting used to, but I am up for the challenge!

Next stop…November 25 @ 10 AM…Our visit with the surgeons. In the meantime, I will be on vacation, all Thanksgiving week, giving thanks to the Lord who has provided for me in such an amazing way.


Dance with me,

Laura

WALK WITH ME.

I am sitting in my hotel room, at the Doubletree Hotel in Denver North, after an hour workout, on the treadmill, at midnight, to help “regulate” my body from the affects of the medication I am on. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the way God is meeting my needs as well as how he is using me to speak to others. This is my favorite hotel, as I have experienced God meeting my needs in the most insignificant but powerful way. Last time I was here, I had a very bad cold, and, out of the blue, I found a grocery bag on my door with a cup of soup and other cold remedies. I never asked for these items, from the hotel, but the hotel shuttle driver overheard my “need” and responded. This trip, 2 bottles of water appeared, magically, in my room, both days. Water I did not order, or pay for, but was given to me to meet my need during my midnight runs on the treadmill. God is truly my portion. It is the little things that speak loudly to our hearts.

It is interesting how we first respond to potentially life changing news. We explore our faith, our relationships, and our finances, not necessarily in that order. My first reaction was to send out pink slips, right away. The first went to the house cleaner, the second to the trainer, the third to the newly hired aquarium cleaner. We couldn’t send a notice to our gardener, because Bob the Builder, Bob the Makeup Artist, is still Bob the Gardener! The night we arrived home, on the last day of our house cleaning, we realized how important she is to us. Not just because she leaves our house sparkling, but because she is a part of our “house.” We immediately withdrew the pink slip!

My second wake up call is to keep moving! The medication I am on is in preparation for surgery. It has amped me up to become a super-sonic chatter box. It also has some toxic affects on my system. After a 30 minute run on the treadmill, to fight back the “body attack,” I realized giving the trainer his pink slip was also a mistake! God reminded me I must continue to care for this body and not let it down! Walk, stretch, exercise, and drink your water! At work we have a group called Fit Together. We meet once a week, for 15 minutes. We have 2 teams, a list of healthy living items, and earn points for each item we accomplish each day. At the end of 6 weeks the losing team washes the winning team’s cars. God’s message to you, and me, is to put on your running shoes and start moving! Take care of your body, eat right, exercise, and stretch. WALK WITH ME ON THIS JOURNEY. If you want a copy of our “Fit Together” list, you can e-mail Dianne (DShapiro@squiresbelt.com) and she will be happy to forward you a copy of the spreadsheet.

God’s message to me, and to you, is that He will see all of us through whatever trials we face, no matter how large or how small. We merely need to trust Him. Are you facing the possibility of losing your job, your house, a marriage? Are you facing a physical scare? How will you handle these challenges? Will you be “self-reliant” or possibly let “The Lord himself... fight for you; you only have to keep still.” (Exodus 14:14). He will see all of you through these very difficult economic times. God will provide for you in a new, fresh and wonderful way, no matter what you are struggling with, no matter what you may have lost, no matter how large or small your trial is. You do not have to have a brain tumor to hear this message! His plan may not be the way we plan things, or in our timing, but there will always be a valuable lesson learned along the way. That is God’s grace, to meet you right where you are. “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” (Lam. 3:24)

I have embraced the song “All The World” by Point of Grace. (Yes, Jesus gave it to me on the treadmill!) This has become the song of my heart. It is my calling, my purpose and my strength. Enjoy the song. (lyrics below). This continues to be an amazing journey filled with hope, joy, and peace. Thank you so much for your many thoughts, prayers, and messages from God. I am amazed at how little time I spend being anxious about the future. It is all about today. Live “today.”

Still Dancing,

Laura

“All The World” 

by Point of Grace

All the world is a story, all the world is a stage, all the world is a canvas, all the world is apage. All the world is a horizon, all the world is a field of dreams, all the world is an open door way, all the world is a place for me, to be your voice, to be your touch, to give an answer, to show your love. To hold out hope, to offer peace, to shine you light for everyone to see in all the world. All the world is a someone, all the world is a band, all the world is a moment, all the world is a chance to be your voice, to be your touch, to give an answer, to show your love. To hold out hope, to offer peace, to shine your light for everyone to see, in all the world. You are amazing mercy, you are undying grace, I want the world to see how wonderful you are upon my face. To be your voice, to be your touch, to give an answer, to show your love, to hold out hope, to offer peace, to shine your light for everyone to see in all the world. Be your voice, be your touch, give an answer, show your love, hold out hope, offer peace, shine your light shine for all the world.

Bob the Builder AKA Bob the Makeup Artist!

Bob learning how to properly apply.

Jamie the onlooker, cheering her dad on!

All the Squires Belt Beauties!

I am in good hands! 

Husbands, check it out! That is Bob, my husband, learning how to put on my make up. Bob has been a steadfast, caring spirit in my life. As you can imagine, this past week has been very difficult on him. Please pray that the Lord will help him to maintain his sense of humor and quick wit despite the pressures on his shoulders.

These are all the wonderful ladies at work that are teaching me to ask for help. They embraced me when I got the “call” and they have lifted me up daily.

You are all my messengers from God. Please keep listening as the Lord truly is speaking directly to me through you. For example, my small group of women, I meet with weekly, have been studying the word grace. I really have never been able to define it. This past week, I EXPERIENCED it in such a magnificent way that the need to define it has become very important to me. As we shared, April gave me the following verse:

Lamentations 3:21-26 (NIV): 

21 Yet this I call to mind 
 and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, 
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; 
 therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, 
 to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly 
 for the salvation of the LORD.

The lord is my portion! That is it. That is truly grace. The Lord knows what I need and He is meeting my needs, every day, by providing me just what I need. This past week, through you, I was overflowing with grace.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. Despite the circumstances, I am full of hope, joy, and peace because this has been an opportunity to be “hugged by God” through so many of you.

Still dancing in La Mesa, California.

Laura